I don’t like to dance.

I’m not very good at it, so maybe that’s why I don’t like to. When I go to a wedding it is the elephant in the room. I know at some point my wife is going to ask me and I know I can’t say “no.”

When our household decides to sign our life away to a cable provider I feel like I was just invited to a wedding. I’m going for the food and drinks and I’m going to have to “dance” at some point.

Why do cable providers insist on having ushers when they could have a best man? I’d be loyal, a supporter if only they encouraged me to do so. Instead, I have one foot out the door and can’t wait to hit the open bar.

We have a more erratic on-off again relationship with cable providers than (insert up-and-coming pop stars’ name here) does with whomever. We’ve dated them all, most of them trying to have us commit for two years pfft, the nerve. It’s no wonder more households and cable providers are involved in ugly divorces. You take your dignity and they take that nasty early termination fee.

We were single for a few years – cable free – and it was glorious. I’m not sure why we tied the knot again this time around. We’ve already been divorced a few times in the past, some more rough than others.

There was that time we dated Time Warner, a cheap date for a while and then her tastes changed. She brought nothing new to the relationship except for a laggy DVR system. It was easy to say good-bye to that one. Thankfully, TW didn’t make us sign a prenup.

When we moved there was always a reason to think we needed to find a new partner. That’s what you do when you move, you call all your basic utilities and your driveway has more van traffic than a shady-looking alley at midnight. It’s part of the fun.

So there was that time we moved and decided to try something new. TW was a bit stale; we wanted to see what a dish could serve. She was pleasing to look at out of the gate, a cheap date that liked to have fun. Then she brought the hammer down I think it was after the first 12 months of the relationship. Night and day, I tell ya. All of a sudden she hit us with these enormous bills; apparently she stole our charge cards and went on a monthly spending spree. To top it off, one of her best features (the Madison Square Garden station) was closed for business. Unfortunately for me, I signed my life away to this one and there was still time left on our contract. So, $18 per month times eight months later and we were divorced.

I really want to find someone we can spend the rest of our life with, but no one seems to want to make it work. We went single for a few years, and like I said, it was liberating – a chance to really find ourselves.

We felt ready to take the plunge once again. There was another dish that had a very convincing offer that we couldn’t refuse. But she was nothing like she seemed. She was all sweet at first, promised us the world and then some. We fell for it, signed our life away for another 24 months and have been regretting it ever since.

This one actually had some sort of disease and required monthly insurance it was messy. Then, like the others before her, she became greedy and put her needs before ours. Worst of all, she liked to dance.

I’d threaten to cancel, she’d change her ways for a few months; she’d revert to her greedy self and we’d have to threaten again. We danced and danced and are still dancing till this day. But I’m getting tired of dancing.

There are a few months left on our contract and breaking that now would hurt in the short-term, for sure. I long for those days we were single no requirements, no contracts and no monthly payments.

When are cable providers going to see they could have us forever? We want a forever relationship, we really do, but they seem hell-bent on driving us away. Pretty soon they’re not going to have anyone to drive away anymore. We will survive, with or without you! Can you say the same for yourself, cable providers!?