Who knew he was such a comedian? I don’t know about you, but Greenland and Panama were my top concerns during the election. Canada, as the 51st state, was right behind. I worried that the high fees for using the canal were causing all the inflation. I often thought that if we only had Greenland, America would be great again. Can you just imagine how powerful the US will be, how much better our lives will be, when this country has maple syrup dominance?

Trump is so busy signing executive orders his hand must be cramping. He should just sign an executive order that states he doesn’t need to sign it. Similar to his claim, during his first attempt at making America great, that he could declassify a document just by thinking about it, he should be able to just think of something, and it became law.

During this long cold winter I often dream of vacationing on the Gaza Riviera run by Trump International. With Trump abruptly cutting off all foreign aid to the world’s starving nations, there aren’t many other places where Americans are welcome. I do hear that Moscow in March is a delight. I’d better hurry though, Musk (the real president) has dictated that Social Security recipients can no longer work from home.

Perhaps I am being too bourgeois. We should visit America first! Since we now have energy dominance, gas prices should be going down soon. Yeah, they really will. Just drill, baby drill, and they will go down, I promise. They will go down just like the price of eggs. I had planned to take a road trip to visit Elon Musk’s hometown to honor this American hero. Someone told me I could not, that Musk was an immigrant from South Africa. That can’t be, it must be a lie spread by NPR to discredit this great man. His team, after all, is getting high school credit for running the government. How could the richest man in the world not be American?

Maybe I should visit the place where billionaires send the people they don’t like, the concentration camp at Guantanamo. On second thought, I will visit Mount Rushmore and view the lumps of rock that are destined to become the visage of Trump next to those other nobodies. All that’s needed now is to find a sculptor who can carve a giant comb-over out of granite. Sure, Washington won the Revolution, Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, Lincoln held that nation together during the first Civil War, and Teddy Roosevelt built the Panama Canal, but Trump, Trump stole the canal back, conquered Greenland, and created a sovereign wealth fund. The billionaires are ecstatic!

I don’t know, South Dakota can be pretty bleak this time of year. Maybe I’ll just visit the sights in Washington. Trump is planning to repurpose the Iwo Jima Memorial into the J6 Memorial and have it depict Republican patriots using the flag to beat the Capitol police. I can visit the National Academy of Science where, I hear, Trump is planning to put a giant Noah’s Ark on the roof. Parking should be a breeze now that Trump’s DEI Gestapo is removing all of those pesky handicapped spaces. Evenings could be spent at the Lincoln Center for the Arts which, now that Trump is chairman, will soon be showing reruns of The Apprentice. Ain’t America great?

Tom Meara is a Jamestown resident.