This is the third installment. We had an introduction to my client “Clara.” She is married to Allen, and we got a glimpse of him at a couple’s session.

He’s Clara’s second husband. We know something about her first marriage. She has two children from her first marriage. The girl so far is described as having a regular healthy life. Their son, however, has behavioral problems both at home and at school. He responded poorly to 1:1 counseling. A group of school professionals teamed with Clara and Allen to formulate a behavioral plan. The son did respond, over time, fairly well.

The focus of our weekly sessions can be on Clara. Her history, she reports, is suggestive of a depressive and anxious state. She was gainfully employed part-time but had to take a leave of absence to manage her son at home. She had plans on returning to work. The family needs her income. They need Allen to reduce his added hours so he can spend more time at home.

Each session I check in with Clara about her medications and their effectiveness for stated problems to include sleep, irritability, sadness, and fatigue, just to list a few. Over time, Clara began to trust the forum and me. Her son’s home and school behavior reportedly began to regress. He acts out at home causing fervor and consternation for Allen. He reportedly expresses little hesitation to face the adopted son’s upheaval. At age 16, the son announces his plan to move out. He has a girlfriend whose mother will allow him to move in with them. The tension this causes in the family puts Clara and Allen’s marriage in jeopardy.

Following several sessions with them, they create a united front and very reluctantly allow for their son’s move. They feel cornered and helpless to oversee and manage their son’s problems and behaviors. Soon he cuts off contact with them. He blocks calls and does not provide an address, so they can’t visit. As you might imagine, this lack of communication cut triggers a depressive episode for Clara. She visits the psychiatrist to review her medications. She agrees to an increase with her antidepressants. She sees me twice a week for several weeks. She berates herself, taking full responsibility for her son’s problems. At this time, I inquire into the history of her first marriage. Hesitantly, Clara tearfully recalls a time of mental, verbal, and physical abuse. The marriage lasted six years. The abuse began soon after the birth of their children. Clara states that both pregnancies went full term. Her spouse provided little support and was not a full-time worker. She worked full-time up until a few weeks prior to birth. She was berated, demeaned, and belittled by her husband. Threats not to call the police authorities kept Clara in a state of high anxiety. She has no trusted friends to offer support to her. He screamed at the children and rarely provided care for them. Clara’s family of origin lived too far away for visits. Her husband vehemently discouraged visits. She had to drop off the children at a sitter while her husband drank alcohol with his friends. She worked a 40-hour week and returned home with the kids in tow, to make dinner. Only when a female work colleague saw bruises on her upper arm did she reveal the abuse. Not immediately but soon after did she confront her abuser. Her friend helped find her an apartment. She and the children moved out. Only then did she contact the police. They kept her spouse at bay with mild threats of arrest as she and a friend packed up their worldly possessions. The police told him not to communicate with her (she got an order of protection) or risk arrest.

Though her husband was now out of her life, she sought legal service and filed for a divorce. She had to apply for Social Services assistance until she could arrange childcare. Approximately a year later, she began to restore some resemblance of order in her life. She made some new friends, reconnected with a sibling, and enrolled the children in school. She gradually eased back to employment. Two years later, via a mutual friend, she met Allen at a kid’s party. His nephew’s birthday brought lots of family and friends. Allen met Clara, whose children were classmates of Allen’s nephew and niece. They connect well. Allen was kind, gentle, and a good listener. He was a bachelor and worked a full-time job. He owned his home and was handy around the house. Their first date was in his backyard. He had a pool, a fire pit, and a friendly dog. He also could grill pretty well. She describes Allen’s demeanor and attention to her two children. They dated for eight months. Her trust issues rose to the surface. She had a talk with Allen about her abusive marriage. He listened and put no pressure on Clara. Several months later, she and her kids made a big decision to spend the night with Allen. The children responded well. Clara was taken, not shaken, by the experience. Soon after, they decided to move in together. They planned to get married.

The matter of trust was a theme Clara often spoke about as she described the aforementioned experiences. Allen loved her and offered patience and understanding. Allen offered to adopt Clara’s two children even as they married. Soon after, the son’s behaviors crept into the family dynamic. Allen was given consent by Clara to parent fully. This was all new to him. His sister and husband offered him guidance as he learned about the art of parenting non-biological children he adopted.

Many instances of mental and emotional tug-of-war ensued. Allen and Clara made parenting decisions tiring and arduous as a united front. So much was new. Their children’s early years were replete with abuse as witnesses. To what extent might one imagine the effect, the consequences of being a party to their father’s aggressive behaviors and the long-term effect it had on them. I shared with Clara that she, too, had been involved in a seriously abusive relationship. How might the effects of such abuse touch in on Clara’s psyche? Her trust in the treatment system might open up potentially painful and ill feelings. Again, at her pace and with patience might she face healing.

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

Marshall Greenstein holds a master’s degree in marriage and family counseling and is a licensed marriage and family counselor and a licensed mental health counselor in New York state. He has regular office hours at 415 E. Sixth St., Jamestown, and can be reached at 484-7756. For more information or to suggest topics, email editorial@post-journal.com.