Ivan (name changed for privacy) contacted me.

He wanted to talk about his son, Devon. His wife, Helena, couldn’t make the first scheduled appointment. Problems involving school-age children are treated by seeing the parents first. Thereafter, we can plan to meet the children.

On a chilly winter morning, I met Ivan. He brought his own coffee in a mug. Though I don’t partake, the aroma wafted in my office un-offensively. Ivan wore work-out clothes. He apologized for his informal attire.

“Yeah, sorry if I look like I’m dressed inappropriately. I’m meeting friends at a gym to play some hoop.”

I’m not bothered by your clothes, sir. So, what brings you here? What’s on your mind?

“I wanted to get some advice about my son. By the way, sorry that my wife, Helena, couldn’t make it. She had a schedule conflict. If it’s ok by you, sir, she’ll come to the next appointment. I want to register a complaint. Not about you (he laughs). My son knows I’m here. Seems he has mixed feelings about me talking to you. This is all private, right?”

Yes, what you say stays with me unless… (I run down HIPPA Laws with Ivan to his understanding.)

“My son is the youngest of our three children. The other two, my daughter and other son, completed high school and are on their own. My complaint is not new. Both my other children had similar school experiences. At that time years ago, I watched, listened and realized their experience. You see, each played basketball on their school’s team. The oldest one, Ivan, Jr, he played for two years. He didn’t play his senior year. He wanted to pay more attention to his grades and music. Doni, my daughter, she played three years and kept her grades up. We’re proud of both of them.”

Have you spoken to your wife about this?

“Yes. I talked about it with her for years. You see, I’ve attended all my children’s basketball games. This includes Devon’s games. I guess I can say that this has run the gamut of now three children’s high school basketball games. Each year for all three children, the team, I’ll assess, is average to above average. They win some games; they’ve had some close scores. Here’s my complaint. None, including Devon, has played any game more than a few minutes. So, for all these children, for all the years of playing, each has played sparingly. Now I have to say that I’m not a parent who makes a fuss at games. I’ve seen and heard parents get overly competitive and yell at the referees. I wouldn’t want their job. I keep quiet. I root for the team.”

Let me understand this. You have attended games for three children, support them respectfully, and yet are bothered by a thing common to all three children, that none played many minutes? So, really, how do you endure this? Also, what’s the real feeling?

“I have mixed feelings. During the early years, well, sometimes I’d get really ticked off. I’d take time off from work to watch the games and rarely would I watch my kids play. They’d shoot around before the game with the entire team. They sat silently on the bench. There were games where neither my son nor daughter went to the game. Sometimes, I’d be sitting with my wife and she’d be supportive of the team. She’d give me her special ‘don’t you dare’ look if she sensed me ready to go off. I don’t blame her. On the ride home before picking up the kids, she’d tell me to keep my composure. Once in a while when one child played, the other kids might attend, as long as they didn’t stay home to do schoolwork. As time went on, I gave lots of thought about being angry. I know it’s not helpful to me, to my kids, or my marriage. So, I was told by my family to get some help. When I go to my last child’s games, I watch him sit on the damn bench. He sits there and shows no sign of being upset with not playing.”

From what you’ve told me, Ivan, you might be the only person in your family that gets angry at now a third child on a basketball team who plays sparingly. I want to ask you, do you wonder if you’re all alone with this experience? Another question I want to pose … is your son the only player who sees limited playing time?

“Well, you got me to thinking. I’m sure there’s other parents whose children are on a school basketball team who are angry. Some may show it with comments out loud, others might sit in silence like me. The other question you ask, each one of my children were not the only kids who played sparingly. I think I might have not noticed other parents whose kids rode the bench like my three. I wonder what it must feel like to them. Are they angry? Ticked off? One thing I do know positively, I can’t be the only parent who leaves work early or doesn’t go home right from work. Lots of parents come to the games.”

All right, Ivan, so you’ve come and spilled out your complaint. Now, what do you want to do? Are you going to continue going to your son’s games and experience it the way you’ve always done? Or, are you here to promote something, maybe a bit new and different? What would you say to inviting your wife to join you in another session? Certainly she has a voice and an opinion.

“I’m going to think that over. You know, I just thought of something. It hit me as you were talking. After every game, I drive home quietly. I’m so ticked but I don’t want to show my son that I’m mad because he doesn’t play. Here me out. Those nights, I toss and turn. I’m restless and tired the next day.”

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.