NFL Needs April Fools’ Day Fairness

ORCHARD PARK – Happy April Fools’ Day.

A family member who has a dairy farm with 100 cows has a friend with an 1100-cow dairy farm.

So the family member, who is a conservative, proposed to the friend, who is a liberal, the following: The friend would give the family member 500 cows, and then the two of them would be even. Or better yet, the friend would keep his 500 cows, do all of the work, and send the family member a check the first day of every month.

Guess what?

The friend didn’t think much of either idea.


So let’s see what National Football League fans in some cities think of this.

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Have you seen the team-by-team Super Bowl standings?

Have a look.

Let’s apply liberalism to which teams play in, win, and lose Super Bowls.

The National Football League has 32 teams.

During this decade, there will have been 64 Super Bowls.

To keep this simple, we’ll overlook that not every NFL team was in the league before the first Super Bowl.

Results must be equal, so by Super Bowl LXIV, every team should have been in four and only four Super Bowls, won twice, and lost twice.

That’s equality in result, which is a measure of fairness.

Yet only the Indianapolis Colts have won twice and lost twice, so Super Bowls have not been fair:

¯ Four teams – the Cleveland Browns, Detroit Lions, Houston Texans, and Jacksonville Jaguars – have never even been to a Super Bowl.

¯ Eight teams – the Arizona Cardinals, Atlanta Falcons, Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, Cincinnati Bengals, Los Angeles Chargers, Minnesota Vikings, and Tennessee Titans – have been yet not won.

¯ Five teams – the Chicago Bears, New Orleans Saints, New York Jets, Philadelphia Eagles, and Seattle Seahawks – have won only once.

¯ Nine teams – the Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Los Angeles Rams, Miami Dolphins, and New England Patriots, plus Buffalo, Cincinnati, Minnesota, and Philadelphia – have lost more than twice.

¯ Twelve teams – the Green Bay Packers, Kansas City Chiefs, Las Vegas Raiders, New York Giants, Pittsburgh Steelers, San Francisco 49ers, and Washington Commanders, plus Dallas, Denver, Los Angeles Rams, Miami, and New England – have been to more than four, and

¯ Ten teams – Dallas, Denver, Green Bay, Kansas City, Las Vegas, New England, the New York Giants, Pittsburgh, San Francisco, and Washington have won more than twice.

That leaves the Baltimore Ravens and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, which have each won twice and never lost.

In sum: 10 teams won 42 of the 57 Super Bowls through the 2022 season.

The remaining 15 Super Bowls have been won by 10 other teams.

This leaves 12 teams that have never won, four of which have never been.

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This is not fair.

Fixing this problem requires immediate, drastic measures. If they interfere with the traditional Super Bowl matchup between the American Football Conference and the National Football Conference, that’s just too bad. Fairness – meaning equality of results – must control.

For starters, the four teams that have never been to a Super Bowl – Cleveland, Detroit, Houston, and Jacksonville – must each win once before any other team wins.

Then each team that has been but never won must each win once before any other team wins.

Then, every team must achieve two victories. Then three. Then four. And so on.

Meanwhile, teams that have won too much must not only stay out of the Super Bowl but also out of the NFL playoffs.

After each team has won its fair share of Super Bowls, the next task will be to make sure that every team that has previously had more than its fair share of Super Bowl victories must endure its fair share of losses without winning.

If the referees – or better yet, government – must throw games for fairness’s sake, then that’s what must happen.

Fairness requires no less.

So there.

The NFL needs April Fools’ fairness.

Happy April Fools’ Day.

At Hilary and Randy Elf’s wedding reception, Mrs. Elf, who was moving from Southern California to Western New York, committed – at the reception DJ’s, not her husband’s, prodding – to rooting for the Bills.



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