This is the final installment of our three-part vignette. We met Klaus and Sandra who both, reportedly, registered complaints about the other’s behavior in their respective one-on-one therapy sessions.

Marital therapy was suggested by the providers towards a goal of taking responsibility. The first installment provided a genesis for identifying their complaints. Klaus was angry that Sandra was on her phone when he arrived home. Sandra was upset that Klaus flirted with her women friends.

Klaus looked at me when re-registering his complaint. I then asked for a repeat and a focus towards Sandra. He described the experience, initially, when driving truck. He began to feel more the fullness of the experience on a break from driving. One may never know when manifestations of true and honest feelings may confront us. Klaus was scared from a physical sensation that denoted fear. He felt sadness, a new and different experience. Sandra was taken a back and noted the uniqueness of his experience.

I welcome you back, Sandra and Klaus. How did your week go? Did you have any further experiences of interest?

“Sort of. We often go out with friends on Saturday night. This week, our friends called us to get together to play cards rather than go out. Four couples got together at someone else’s home. We went. Klaus was really quiet, which the other guys noticed. Alfie is a friend who is notorious for busting Klaus’ chops. What usually follows is a three-ring circus of verbal jabs. This time, however, Klaus was quiet. Alfie didn’t know what to do.”

What do you mean, Sandra?

“Once the guys have a few drinks and start busting on each other, we women usually enjoy the entertainment. Alfie kept riding hard on Klaus even as he remained quiet. I even stared at Klaus.Something I’ve never seen was taking place. Eventually, in a tone I could barely hear, Klaus said for Alfie to please stop! Alfie continued until Klaus got up and went to pee. Everyone looked at me. The usual smiles from the banter turned serious. They asked if Klaus was sick. I said no. A few minutes later, Klaus returned and quietly said that he’d like to go home. I was having a good time. Klaus looked at me and told me it was OK if I stayed. I got up and we left together. We hugged our friends and left. I drove home. Klaus sat in his easy chair and closed his eyes. I asked him if he was OK or not. He said he was fine. I went to the bedroom and watched TV. I found Klaus asleep on the easy chair the next morning. We ate breakfast with the kids. Klaus went alone for a walk.”

Klaus, you’re quiet today. Is Sandra’s description of Saturday night accurate?

“Yes, it’s accurate.”

How do you feel right now at this moment, Klaus?

“I feel confused. I’m not certain how I feel. Something is happening. I am not certain like I said how I really feel. I didn’t really want to go out Saturday night. Alfie’s a good man. That night his bantering struck a chord. Something I cannot explain. Ever since last week’s session, I really am reluctant, if that makes sense, to feel sad or scared.”

You know, Klaus, I’m not clear how you can avoid feeling some emotion if confronted by it. I mean, any of us is capable of avoiding or denying certain emotions. That sadness really got to you last week.

“Yes it did. Damn it. I was driving my freaking truck. I had to pull it together. I was scared. How do I begin to understand it? Where does it come from?”

Are you really interested in exploring your questions, Klaus?

“I don’t know, man. Will it do damage?”

What do you imagine when you reference damage, Klaus?

“Well for one thing, I think about getting sick physically.”

Very interesting, Klaus. How do you imagine getting sick physically to look like, Klaus?

“Well, like that chest tightness. I had trouble breathing. That really scared me, sir.”

I could see that. With Sandra here and me here, too, Klaus, how would you feel about re-confronting?

“You mean, that tightness and fear?”

Yes. Sandra, if Klaus drives that road so to speak, will you be here for support?

“Whew! I guess so. What will happen? Will he get ill or emotionally lose it?”

I think maybe before we venture down that road, we need to gauge any risks. Perhaps the two of you might talk out some of that idea now. Something to consider. Look at each other and talk, listen.

“OK then. I feel strangely uncomfortable right now. Like a spotlight has been shone on me. I’m not clear whether to have a second round of discomfort.”

“Klaus, what are you afraid of? Your heart is in healthy condition. You probably won’t get a heart attack. Are you afraid of a heart attack?”

“I don’t know, Sandra. I don’t think so.”

“Listen, Klaus, we came to see if marriage counseling might help. We’re spending time and money seeing our one-on-one counselors. We used valuable time to bitch about each other. This is not high school. We both need to get a life. And if it’s designed to be together, we’re stuck. Maybe I’m stuck. Either way, we need to put out the effort and energy to see if we can make it a go. What do you say, Klaus? I know it’s a big step. Are we worth it, Klaus?”

“Now that you’ve said your piece, I’ve a question for our therapist. Do you think we can get it on with working with you?”

Only if you both are patient and do the work. OK? Allow me a few moments to explain what the ‘risks’ reveal. When Sandra said so aptly well that you’re stuck, she’s right. Complaining about each other’s behaviors is easy work. Getting unstuck takes hard work with a commitment to your selves and to each other.

That so-called risk you took or better yet overtook you, Klaus. Let me explain.

You experienced a panic attack. Your body served as a reminder of what you’ve not let go. Experiencing sadness I wonder is not so new. I wonder if you’ve experienced that and other emotions before; maybe before you met Sandra. I wonder what you took away or perhaps denied for yourself from your other two marriages.

Intuitively, I believe that’s a road worthy of travel. I will be here for you.I believe that Sandra will be, too. This might take time and reap rewards. It’s a journey you can take together.

Sandra, perhaps we can focus on you as interesting circumstances arise. Is that alright?

“Yes, sure!”

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.