I took a midday call from a woman identifying herself as Alaina. She wanted couple’s counseling for herself and Aaron, her husband. I heard exasperation in her voice. I tucked that early impression away. Due to work schedules, I agreed to a Saturday morning appointment.

They arrived in the same vehicle, a new SUV. I felt a tense vibe emanating from both parties. So, not to get trapped into assuming, I registered the vibe silently. Welcome folks. How was your drive? Did you have any trouble finding my office?

Alaina looks at Aaron.

“We didn’t have any trouble. Except, my wife here yelled at me for taking too long to get ready.” “Well you did Aaron. Every time we go somewhere, you dilly-dally.”

“OK. Please don’t start, dear. You’re embarrassing me.”

Let me ask you folks, is this tension I feel from you a frequent or infrequent occurrence?

Alaina and Aaron look at each other.

“Alaina, you say what you want to him.”

“OK. Your questions… may I call you Marshall…speak loudly to why we came to see you. If I had to measure the frequency of tension between us, I’d have to say daily.”

How about your opinion, Aaron?

“Yes, we fight just about every day.”

And approximately how long has this been going on?

“I’d say 6-7 months. What do you say Alaina?”

“Yes, that might be accurate.”

Is the tension the prime source of bringing you both to counseling?

“I’d say yes.”

How about you Alaina?

“I agree. There’s lots of complaining and he bitches at me a lot.”

These types of concerns often speak to a much larger matter. Does that make sense to you both? Both Alaina and Aaron nod their heads in agreement. Before we proceed with that salient matter, may I inquire about your day-to-day living? You go first, Aaron, please.

“Well, we’ve been married six years. We both were divorced from previous marriages. My first marriage lasted seven years. We had two girls. Both live with their mother. They visit me on a visitation schedule. Alaina and I have no kids together. We own our home. Our bills are paid. We have some friends. I golf and bowl with a friend I knew from my first marriage. Actually, Alaina and I met at a golf course. She was having drinks with friends at the club bar. I was drinking beer with my friends. I was divorced for 6-8 months. I hadn’t gone out on a date. I saw her momentarily smiling at me. I bought drinks for her and her friends. We got invited to their table. The rest is history.”

“Let me say that Aaron’s description leaves out a lot. For example, I was content sitting with my friends. I had no intentions to meet anyone. I had been divorced two years. I was married for three years. We had not wanted children. Work and play left little time for kids. My ex-husband and I both worked long hours.”

Alaina, listening to Aaron’s brief description of how you met sounds a bit romantic. Do you think so? Just curious.

“I suppose so. When we met at the golf course bar, I hadn’t any desire for intimacy, romance, or especially marriage. My emotional wounds had practically healed. Being alone and on my own was a good feel for me.”

Yet, while I hear you on that subject, something about Aaron interested you. Is that true? You see, in order to help you folks with present day problems, I need to gain an appreciation of your past.

Your past is not defined solely on when you met. Your history comprises what you brought into your relationship. Do you understand Aaron and Alaina? That you present with present-day complaints, your respective histories impact and help define the here and now.

“I think I get a feel for what you are saying. So in other words our histories, what we brought into our marriage, has an impact on our attitudes, our behaviors, and whatever else we cannot pinpoint.”

Good listening, Aaron. To fully realize our slant on life in the here and now, we can learn as you state, Aaron, from past influences. Something I invite clients to explore, especially for those who’ve been previously married and the outcome of that marriage via divorce or widowhood. Each marriage is a powerful experience; what you brought into the marriage, coupled with how marriages finalize or affect us. For those who marry, the question is simply what history culturally, religiously, spiritually, or ethnically taught you. Ultimately, when marriages end, folks are tasked with completing as much of the experience before actively pursuing new intimate interests. Wounds need to be healed. Divorce or widowhood is losses plain and simple. Marriages are a prime source of education about who we each are in the experience. What we can learn in regular or end-time is infinite.

“So you’re saying that our attitude and behaviors are linked to our past for both me and Aaron?”

Well said, Alaina. Say more, please.

“Oh my God, this might sound crazy, but what you are saying is that the end of my first marriage was only in the legal sense.” Yes. The open-ended question is did you learn about yourself? Marriages fundamentally are set-ups for personal growth and development.

The highs and lows as we define experiences in our marriages carry educational tools for our growth. What do you say, Aaron?

“Wow, this is some powerful stuff.”

It can be.

“If I hear you, my mind is dancing a jig. (Aaron laughs) So my history and family that raised me, I guess you’d say influenced my…would you say…perspective on marriage and also my divorce?! Wow, I’m thinking out loud here. I don’t think I fully grasped the concept of learning and growth, as you say.”

Aaron, giving a moment for reflection, do you believe that your first marriage taught you about yourself that you carried into this marriage with Alaina?

“Oh, man. I need more than a moment to reflect.”

That’s great, Aaron. One moment of reflection you already did. It told you to find more time to look within. It’s critical for growth that we take responsibility for marriages that end. We can cast blame. That, however, is the easy road. The more challenging road is to gain knowledge from the experiences. Even a widow or widower can, via struggles, learn about oneself. Grief and losses can be a source for emotional, mental, and spiritual growth.

We agreed to another session. They had tools to aid them. Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

Marshall Greenstein holds a master’s degree in marriage and family counseling and is a licensed marriage and family counselor and a licensed mental health counselor in New York state. He has regular office hours at Hutton and Greenstein Counseling Services, 501 E. Third St., Suite 2B, Jamestown, 484-7756.