Jim Gaffigan is pictured performing Thursday night at the Northwest Arena as part of the Lucille Ball Comedy Festival. P-J photo by Katrina Fuller

The floor was cold but the mic was hot at Jim Gaffigan’s laugh fest on Thursday night.

Gaffigan opened the Lucille Ball Comedy Festival at the Northwest Arena in the main ice rink which was filled to the brim with excited patrons.

Not to disappoint, he came out with his trademark stagewhisper as he voiced what the audience was thinking. Or, at least, what he thought they were thinking.

“Look at his beard,” he hoarsely whispered. “He looks like an out-of-shape Civil War veteran.”

Right off the bat, Gaffigan provoked chuckles aplenty from the crowd.

He said people always ask him about his beard when he grows it out and they seem to expect an interesting answer.

“‘Why’d you grow your beard out?'” Gaffigan said, imitating the questioners.

“I joined Al Qaeda,” he whispered.

He said questions about facial hair are generally acceptable, however, other questions about personal attributes aren’t as acceptable. For example, asking someone if they’re “a little old” for acne or how long they’ve had “the bald spot” is generally frowned upon.

Gaffigan said the Jamestown area is beautiful and he is thankful to be here in the city.

“It’s beautiful up here,” he said.

Gaffigan then shared some more serious news, telling the crowd that it was discovered in April that his wife had a brain tumor. However, she was operated on and the tumor was removed. Currently, he said she is doing well. Gaffigan then delved into the world of brain surgeons, wondering how they determine who is the best.

“Maybe there is a competition, ‘America’s Got Tumors,'” he said. “Isn’t it enough that they’re a brain surgeon? None of us can even get into med school.”

Brain surgeons go to medical schools to specialize in the brain, and later, they specialize in brain surgery.

“And then we’re like, ‘Yeah, but are they any good?” Gaffigan said. “Yeah, they’re a brain surgeon! You know what they do with the bad brain surgeons? They don’t let them become brain surgeons.”

He later discussed traveling, and in particular the U.K. At one time, Gaffigan visited Piccadilly Circus in London with his children and saw an M&M store. He said he likes M&Ms, but he never saw a need for a store devoted to them.

“I never thought, ‘When are they going to open an M&M store? When am I going to be able to bulk purchase M&Ms?'” Gaffigan said. “We don’t need an M&M store. We don’t even need different colored M&Ms – they all taste the same.”

However, there is something else to look out for.

“Have you even looked at an M&M?” he asked. “They aren’t even M&Ms – there’s just an ‘M’ on it. They’re lying to us. They’re not M&Ms, they’re ‘mm mmm mmms!'”

He said the store was three levels tall and his children wanted to go in. However, Gaffigan was disinterested.

“They desperately wanted to go into the M&M store because little children only want to do horrible things,” he said. “They never want to do something fun like sit in a dark, filthy bar and drink beer.”

Parenthood is generally just spending your life doing horrible things with your children because you love them, he said.

“Being a parent is not that different from being a tourist,” Gaffigan said. “It’s the same experience – you mostly just walk around exhausted, spending money you don’t have while you look for a bathroom.”

The Lucille Ball Festival of Comedy continues today and Saturday with a variety of events, including Kevin James at the Northwest Arena today at 8:30 p.m. and Lisa Lampenelli at the Reg Lenna Center for the Arts at 9 p.m. on Saturday.

For a full listing of events and more information, visit www.lucycomedyfest.com.