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Most often, when friends or family call to vent, it has to do with someone they feel has wronged them--a "You're not going to believe what so-and-so said," or "what so-and-so did."
Our biggest wounds are often about our disappointments in other people--some of which we will never get over or recover from. And while there's two sides to every story, sometimes one side is just blatantly wrong: they said things in anger they can't take back, they were unloyal in a long friendship, or they disappeared just when you needed them.
There are a million stories in the naked city--to quote from the opening line to a famous television show.
What's strange to me is that in the cumulative suffering of human kind, besides war and famine, our biggest wounds--real or imagined-- are inflicted upon us by others. We all likely do our share. That we somehow have not learned to be kind, to nurture our relationships, to put others before ourselves often enough--is surprising.
I have been watching the HBO series Game Of Thrones--and after one season, I've had enough. I've seen enough decapitations to last an entire lifetime and I'm appalled by the palace intrigue--the not being able to trust one soul in seven kingdoms with any certainty. This was the way it was in palaces the world over--whether in Western Europe or high in the Andes Mountains of Peru or in the deserts of Egypt. You could be thrown to the lions as a peasant or an athlete or be beheaded as a prince. Life simply wasn't valued throughout much of history. Loyalty couldn't be trusted--not with so much at stake--mainly power and money.
Mid through watching the first season, my daughter called to bemoan an incident with a friend, and I just said, "Some of your biggest moments in life will come through your disappointment in other people. It seems to be just a part of life. We are all
imperfect, but some are better than others. You will come to learn who they are."
I'm glad the lions as punishment phase is over, but we humans still have a ways to go. We've been given lots of teachers to show us what humility and kindness are but many of us haven't gotten the message.
I know someone who was very close to her mother her entire life. Her mother, sadly, died of Covid, leaving her stepfather as the heir. He died a week after her mother, leaving the stepfather's son--someone my friend had rarely encountered--as the heir. He stepped in and decimated the entire house--kept anything of value and threw away the rest. Cherished mementos and objects disappeared forever, leaving my friend without a cent from her mother's hard-earned money from her own separate bank account, or even a token to remember her by.
Greed is so often a thief. Lack of empathy hits even harder.
Not one of us is perfect in our relationships, but the point is we have to keep working on it. I think life calls on us to work toward that.
There's a book out there called "Let Them," and anyone feeling wounded by another's slights should buy a copy.
The premise is surprisingly freeing. If someone wants to ignore your text, let them. If they don't invite you, let them. If they misunderstand you, criticize you, drift away, or simply decide you no longer fit into their lives, let them. Not because it doesn't hurt, but because trying to force affection, loyalty, or understanding almost never works.
Everyone has spent time wondering why people did what they did. Was it something I said? Something I missed? Were they busy? Angry? Jealous? Indifferent? Eventually you realize you'll never know the answers to most of those questions. And even if you did, they probably wouldn't change anything.
The only person you have any real authority over is yourself.
So let them be who they choose to be. Then let yourself be who you choose to be. Turn your attention back to the people who answer your calls, who are genuinely happy to see you, who cheer your successes instead of competing with them, and who make you feel lighter rather than smaller. Life has a remarkable way of sorting people over time.
And every disappointment is an opportunity to ask ourselves a simple question: Am I becoming the sort of person I wish I knew? Be the kindness you'd like to see. That's something we can all work on.