Elizabeth Cipolla

Since my earliest school memories, I’ve been told I talk too much. Whether I was in the classroom, at choir practice, on the ball field or in Sunday school, I remember being scolded. In fact, most of my elementary school years were spent with me being seated closely next to the teacher’s desk away from my friends because I simply couldn’t stop talking. Although I often joke that I’ve now turned my passion for talking into a fulfilling career as a communications professional and speaker, the challenge of trying consciously not to dominate conversations is very real to this day.

Some of the people in my closest inner circle are quite the opposite in their conversational tendencies, and I often scratch my head when they accuse me of not listening. After all, I can quickly repeat exactly what I just heard them say to try and ease their concerns regarding my attentiveness. I’ve made a concerted effort to withhold questions, thoughts and comments until they are done speaking, but am not always successful. In truth, I suppose I am still an adult sized version of the girl who sat up close to the teacher in elementary school.

Whether you are a passionate conversationalist like me, or on the reserved and introspective end of the conversation style spectrum, the insights below will help you to appreciate what’s behind the behavior of those with extra talkative tendencies. Hopefully, it will help you to better understand someone who communicates differently.

¯ Although I talk a lot which may create a distraction for you, it actually helps me to stay focused. As an extravert, it is painful for me to think inside my head. My best thinking is done out loud. Please do not mistake my spoken thoughts as an attempt to derail the direction of conversation, and take them at face value. The more I want to talk during our conversation, the more engaged I am feeling with you.

¯ As a naturally inquisitive soul, each thing you say ignites a new direction of thought in my mind. My thoughts can rapidly kick into overdrive upon considering all possibilities. The numerous questions I’m asking are not an interrogation, but rather an attempt to help find the best solution. When I am asking questions, it is because I care about you and what we are discussing. I am also deeply interested in what you have to say.

¯ Amidst life’s stresses, talking is therapeutic for me. My idea of relaxation does not involve reading a book curled up by the fireplace. I love to talk, and laugh, and talk some more. Nothing caps off a really stressful week like meeting up with a group of friends. I’m often the most talkative and expressive, but this doesn’t mean I am trying to steal the show. It’s quite the opposite. Instead, it is my way of trying to make everyone feel included and welcome. I know some people are slower to put themselves out there and be vulnerable to join in on the discussion. My talkativeness is an attempt to extend an olive branch so you feel comfortable to follow suit.

Now that you understand a little more about what is behind the behavior of someone with conversational dominance tendencies, I’d like to let you in on a personal journey of self-improvement related to my talkative ways.

Just as I need to think out loud in order to stay focused, I know that others need to reflect, think and then speak when they are ready. This is something I always remind myself and I do everything in my power to honor that need in others.

Not everyone thinks or communicates like I do. My highly expressive and talkative habits can actually be annoying and discouraging to others. In every conversation, I genuinely seek to listen to understand rather than listen to speak. The last thing I want is to make you feel disrespected or misunderstood.

As a leader and team effectiveness coach, I am keenly sensitive to the crucial role served by a heightened self-awareness on my part when walking into a group decision making situation. I know that if kept unchecked, my innate communication tendencies will hinder the entire team to benefit from what everyone has to offer.

Being a good conversationalist is critical to successful relationships with peers, employees, vendors, family and friends. It’s not just about what you say, but how you listen. This means truly accepting that you are not automatically the most important person in the conversation.

May your work week be full of communication enlightenment and unifying conversation.

Elizabeth P. Cipolla SPHR, SHRM-SCP is a leadership communications professional specializing in the areas of leadership training, creative recruitment strategies, employment branding, professional development and executive coaching for over 15 years. Her leadership experience comes from various industries including marketing, mass media, apparel, education, manufacturing, aerospace, nonprofit agencies and insurance. To contact Elizabeth, email her at elizabeth@catapultsuccess.com