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Michelangelo, Pickles And Me

I am gaining on Michelangelo.

It took the famed Italian artist four long years to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in Vatican City about 500 years ago.

These days, I expect to take four long years to repaint the outside of our house.

Michelangelo painted figures, Biblical scenes, etc.

Paintings of of people would look tacky on the outside of our small, 170-year-old farmhouse.

So I am repainting white on white and black on black. Artistic, no?

“Whoa, Denny! You are painting the outside of your house at age 76? What a guy!”

Well, yes, I am, I said, modestly. I would love to let it go at the impressive, “I am painting our house.”

But journalism requires accuracy. I am no longer a journalist, strictly speaking. I retired six years ago. These days, I am a writer — but writers, too, are expected to be factual.

So … sigh … I am not painting our entire house. I am repainting just teeny parts of its exterior surface area.

The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel is about 5,000 square feet, 133 feet by 46 feet, according to Britannica.

The exterior of our house is about … let’s see … 450 plus 200 plus 600 plus 600 plus 900 plus 900 plus 900 plus 600 plus 400 plus 400 … Whew! That is almost 6,000 square feet. Hey, Michelangelo! You and your 5,000 square feet: Neener neener. I am painting across a bigger area than you painted.

Oh. What? Well, yes. White siding does cover most of our house. Some is vinyl. Some is aluminum. During its long existence, our house has been transmogrified from the original four rooms, with angles here and soffits there, fasciae too.

Most of that is now clad with siding.

So I am … ahem … painting just the trim that is not clad in siding.

Hey, Michelangelo. You get the square feet title back.

But all those colors: Gold, blue, red, sepia. C’mon.

We are sticking with basic white. A touch of black via fake vinyl or aluminum shutters breaks up the shimmer, once I power wash to get rid of about 10 years of crud. It has been that long since I first washed and painted the place.

Still, it is a dangerous job. There I am, perched on the fourth rung of a fully extended eight-foot stepladder. I should stuff cotton into my nose to stanch the nosebleeds, yes?

Higher portions of trim also need to be painted. I forced myself to get about 20 feet up to do the peak on the south side, but we will hire someone to tackle the garage/bonus room with its nearly 30 feet high walls.

The Sistine Chapel ceiling is 68 feet high. Tsk. It is Inside!

But it wasn’t all roses for Michelangelo. He even wrote a poem about it. The latter stanzas get a bit coarse, but here, from http://mentalfloss.com, is Nick Green’s rendition of American poet Gail Mazur’s translation of the first verse:

I’ve already grown a goiter from

this torture,

hunched up here like a cat in Lombardy

(or anywhere else where the stagnant water’s poison).

My stomach’s squashed under my

chin, my beard’s

pointing at heaven, my brain’s

crushed in a casket,

my breast twists like a harpy’s. My brush,

above me all the time, dribbles paint

so my face makes a fine floor

for droppings!

¯¯¯

I feel your pain, Mike. Or I would, but I am painting walls, not ceilings.

Nonetheless, Michelangelo and I share another exotic Italian artistic trait: Both of us have last names that begin with “B”! His was Buonarroti, but history dispenses with the surname.

Impressive for both of us, isn’t it?

I started to repaint the trim on our house six weeks ago. First, I scrubbed with a power washer, using bleach, using detergent, and using a paint-stripping turbo head. Then I scraped. Then I primed with oil-based primer. Then I applied two coats of latex finish paint.

I went over each painted area all of five times!

Most of the house is still unrepainted, as the end of painting season approaches.

I have painted one soffit-fascia peak, two window frames and some of the window glass. Hooray for single-edge razor blades as scrapers. I have also painted but two mini-doors leading to the crawl space beneath the kitchen.

Next week, I move to the porch. It is a race between me and the first hard freeze as to what gets done.

My wife is less than thrilled at my “putz” pace, but more than thrilled that the decade of gray cruddy overlay is gradually going away.

According to Michelangelo’s timetable, I’ll still have three more years to finish the job.

That also puts me in the same league as a contemporary artist found on our comics page: Earl Pickles.

¯¯¯

Denny Bonavita is a former editor at newspapers in DuBois and Warren. He lives near Brookville. Email: denny2319@windstream.net.

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