I recently downloaded the Instagram app so I could see what the fuss was all about. Instagram is known for its lifestyle photos that inspire, envy, and ire, and there are actual people on Instagram called “influencers.” These influencers have thousands of followers and inadvertently decide what kind of products and trends that will be marketed and pushed onto the rest of us.

What I decided in the end was that I’m too old for this.

Too old and just not shallow enough, I guess.

One big influencer who is a chef had a video of herself slicing fresh persimmons that she’d just picked from her backyard tree, which she intended to put in a fresh fruit salad she was making in an imported wooden bowl from Bali. She was going to decorate the salad with two big leaves from her persimmon tree to make it prettier.

What is a persimmon anyway? And before you could say “I only have oak trees in my backyard,” the next picture showed her in Napa Valley overseeing a birthday brunch amidst a thousand rows of grapes, and then Oaxaca, Mexico hanging out with organic agave farmers.

Another influencer, called Rachel Parcell, spends a lot of time in her multi-million dollar house wearing matching clothes with her little blonde daughter, in her own mostly ruffled, flowing feminine designs that she now sells to Nordstrom. Everyday of her life looks like Easter, and her kids always look like they’ve just emerged from an Easter basket. Her photographs are always taken in old barns or next to a bank of rose bushes, and there’s often a big hat involved and lots of earring choices.

If you’re prone to house envy, don’t go looking at kitchens on Instagram. If your kitchen isn’t made of white cabinets, white granite, and a white backsplash and a wood floor, please do not upload a picture of your kitchen to Instagram. It won’t be welcome there. If, however, you have a double oven, a farmhouse sink, or a sign that says “kitchen” hanging on the wall somewhere, you’re not far off the mark.

For some reason, hanging cute signs that tell people what room they’re in is a trend now. Also hanging signs in your house telling people what to do is also popular, like “be grateful,” or “put family first.” It’s not that I’m against those things, I just feel like I don’t need to tell anyone else the best way to live their life by way of a sign I bought from Hobby Lobby.

From what I can tell, being an influencer on Instagram is exhausting. Your life is just a constant photo shoot.

Making dinner? Don’t forget to take a picture. On vacation? Make sure everyone sees what a great time you’re having and how lucky you are to be on vacation while the rest of us are still trying to figure out what a persimmon is.

Today I told my husband we should try to become Instagram Influencers and cash in on all the free products and attention.

“We’re going to need a sign that says “kitchen” hung in the kitchen, but “pantry” or a “fresh eggs” sign seems to work, too.”

“Why do we need to advertise fresh eggs in our kitchen?” he asked.

“Because we’re trying to convince people we live on a farm and have our own fresh eggs.”

He pointed out we don’t really live on a farm, but I explained that it’s only important to make people think that we do. I think he liked the idea because pretending to live a certain way is a lot cheaper than actually living that way a lot of the time.

I tried to think what else we could take pictures of in our daily lives that might be impressive to others. There’s no way my husband’s collection of 20-year-old cargo pants was ever going to cut the fashion grade, so modeling our wardrobes was out.

“Go stand in front of that $100,000 Land Rover over there,” I told him.

“I thought we were pretending to live on a farm,” he said.

“Well, let’s just pretend it’s a really successful farm,” I said. “One where we don’t mind putting livestock in our expensive vehicles.”

For dinner, I made a French cassoulet of poultry, sausage and white beans that at least made us seem like we lived in a French country kitchen.

“I could play my guitar,” he added hopefully and I felt bad turning down his offer.

“I think we’re just getting old,” I said. “Nothing we do is probably very interesting to anyone else. Our time to carve out our own little niche in life has come to an end.”

“That’s OK honey,” he said. “I like being the kind of people that don’t need a sign to tell us where our kitchen is.”

He just doesn’t get it. But that’s why he’s my guy.