Vanity Insanity

This past weekend I attended my first wedding of the year at the newly renovated Cockaigne ski resort in Cherry Creek. I’m not a big fan of dressing up, but my friend needed a date and I didn’t want to let him down. Even if you’re more of a T-shirt and jeans kind of gal like myself, it doesn’t hurt to feel glamorous every now and then.

First, I needed a dress. I found something cute online, but given my committed relationship to procrastination, the estimated delivery date was projected two days after the wedding. Since my last-minute efforts were failing me, I cleared my Saturday and headed out of town on a mission to find the perfect outfit. I probably tried on over a dozen dresses. I was close to giving up when I walked past the Macy’s display and was drawn to this sparkly number on one of the mannequins. It was short and black with rose gold sequins. It looked like a piece straight out of “The Great Gatsby” and I instantly fell in love with it. I took it to the dressing room, sucked in my stomach, held my breath, and hoped for the best. Success! The dress fit and looked better than I had hoped for. It even received my mother’s approval who came along for moral support. The only downfall was the amount of glitter that appeared to cascade off the dress with every movement.

“According to Google, a layer of hairspray should do the trick and have you all fixed up in no time,” my mom explained. Moms, they’re so resourceful.

Once I arrived home, I pulled out the hairspray and put a thin layer across the dress. I might be the only one who’s been bold enough to give her evening attire some “extra volume mega hold” but I figured it couldn’t hurt. I was also praying the wedding didn’t have any open flames for their decor or this girl was in trouble. I was feeling confident about my look and was excited to show it off.

My confidence quickly disappeared though, when two days before the event, my hairdresser canceled on me last minute. I was going all out for this. I was scheduled for a color cut and style. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to find a hair stylist on a Friday night to help a sister out for the weekend. Operation “Backup Plan” was set in motion. I ran to the beauty supply store just in time before they closed. My roots (and a few grays) weren’t going to color themselves, so I did what had to be done. Sure, my bathroom looked like a war zone once I was finished, but I was going to do whatever it took to look my best for this upcoming event.

The day of the wedding arrived and in true Melinda fashion, I didn’t give myself nearly enough time to get ready. Like many of us winter hibernators, I’ve recently packed on a few pounds and my only saving grace in wearing this dress was the ever-so-forgiving Spanx I had ordered online just weeks before to help suck it all in. Had I thought to try them on before now to make sure everything would go accordingly? Of course, not. Once I stretched, squeezed, pulled and shoved, the slimming body shapewear finally formed to my silhouette the best it was going to and the next step was putting on the stockings. I bought a pair of black thigh highs to cover up my poor legs that haven’t seen the light of day since summer but didn’t gauge what size I should have purchased. They seemed a little big, but I figured they’d be fine and I was running out of time on getting ready. On went the dress and down came the glitter. It was as if a rose-gold bomb had just detonated in my bedroom. My stockings, shoes, and body were now completely doused in sparkles.

“No, time, Melinda, no time!” I still had to put on makeup and do my hair. The heated curlers wouldn’t hold a curl and for the life of me, and I couldn’t find my curling iron. I grabbed a handful of bobby pins and just shoved half of my locks to the side, hoping it didn’t look like I just gave up halfway through and clearly didn’t know how to style my own hair. I threw on my jewelry and ran out the door realizing I was now running so late that I would have to call my date and just meet him there.

As I pulled up to the resort and noticed I had about five minutes to spare, I gave myself a manicure with the set of press-on nails I had purchased the day before. They weren’t terrible, but at this point, I’m pretty sure anyone looking my way would be more distracted by the trail of glitter and the hot mess of hair I had sitting on my head. I just kept telling myself, “Everyone will be looking at the bride today anyway. You’ve got nothing to be worried about.” Suuure.

Just as I stepped out of the car, the snow began to fall. Any remnants of a curl that had managed to stay intact in my bobby pinned hairdo instantly flattened out in the time it took to meet my date at the front door.

To make matters worse, I started to feel a draft and as I look down, my black stockings began to roll down my leg and they had no intention of staying put. I’m not sure if it was from standing in the cold, or the first time taking such a big step in the whole ensemble, but they had a mind of their own and couldn’t have picked a worse time to fail me. As I’m hoisting the stocking clear up to my thigh a couple walks by and gives me a glare. I nod and smile, trying to keep my composure as best I can, knowing I basically just flashed these perfect strangers who clearly weren’t expecting a show before the event. My date finally arrives and instead of walking up to him like the glamorous diva I had envisioned, I greeted him with one hand clutching my leg, hobbling in through the doors like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I made him take my coat and I ran to the restroom hoping the guests weren’t blinded by my white legs playing peekaboo from my black unruly stockings. Once I was in the stall, I adjusted as well as I could and shoved the Spanx as high as they’d go, forcing my thigh-highs to finally stay in place. As the dress was adjusted once again, down fell the glitter all over my legs, shoes and floor.

I walked out of the restroom feeling defeated but faked it as well as I knew how. The first person I recognized reached in for a hug and my initial reaction was an alarming, “Don’t hug me! I don’t want you covered in glitter!” She stopped mid reach and we laughed. She settled for an air hug and it was in that moment I felt as though I was trapped inside a bubble. A rose gold covered bubble of hell.

The wedding was lovely, and the bride looked amazing. The happy couple settled for a handshake and congratulations and I made the best of my unforgiving dress turning it into a joke for the remainder of the evening. Lesson learned on not waiting until the last minute and not settling for the first shiny thing that catches my eye. At the end of the day, I tried to toss my vanity aside and didn’t let all those minor mishaps ruin my evening. Life is full of unexpected things and sometimes you must roll with the punches.

“As long as you can laugh at yourself, you will never cease to be amused.”