Question: I have been taking care of my spouse for sometime, but recently we seem to need more help. My kids help when they can, but I am overwhelmed. I don’t want to add stress to their life. Where can I turn to get information and maybe help with the care?

Answer: Last week we started to address this question. This week we will expand on more opportunities for help with your situation.

I am so glad you are reaching out for help and support. Being the primary caregiver in any situation is demanding. Being the primary caregiver for your spouse can be just as demanding, and we aren’t as young as we used to be. Most of us remember those difficult days when our children were young and needed continuous care and supervision.

I said I was glad you are reaching out, because most caregivers have a difficult time asking for help.

There are many ways to get help. You can bring help into the home. You can also bring your spouse somewhere outside the home. Each situation solves different problems and sometimes creates different problems. You are smart to reach out and ask questions about alternatives.

There are many benefits to bringing help into your home. This allows you and your spouse to stay where you are comfortable and in your own surroundings. The individual you hire can help with laundry, cleaning, cooking, maybe shopping and related activities. This individual will bring some new experiences and interactions into your home. They can be a spark that is added to your routine. They can change the dynamics and interactions of your house. In the situation where you find an individual that is a good fit, this can be a wonderful thing. The first person you hire, may not be the right individual. This doesn’t mean care in your home won’t work, you just need to try a different person.

In looking for that person be as specific as you can with your expectations. An individual who does well with helping someone who can’t speak or ambulate independently due to a stroke, may not do as well with an individual who has dementia. If you expect them to help you with taking walks or working in the flowerbeds, be sure they are able to do those tasks and like to do those tasks.

You can hire this individual in different ways. You can hire them privately, through an individual agreement or previous relationship. You can also hire them through an agency, a Home Care Agency. There is also something we call an informal caregiver. That is someone, usually family or friends, who doesn’t have the training to do this type of thing, but has a relationship with your family and is willing to help.

All of these different situations have pros and cons. Some are very flexible and willing to address needs as they arise. This can relate to scheduling, tasks or payment. If the individual is someone you hire, you are then responsible for scheduling and covering scheduling issues. If you choose an agency, they will schedule their staff according to your needs and desired times.

Home Care Agencies have a more formalized way of providing services. There is an expectation of agreed payment rates, services provided, and expected scheduling. This of course can be adjusted as the situation changes. The agreement is with the agency and then the staff who does the work may change accordingly to availability and scheduling issues. You shouldn’t assume the service will cost more. I have seen many situations when a Home Care Agency is providing some care at an agreed upon rate and then a private individual is hired. This individual is paid privately at the same or even higher rate to do additional hours and duties.

I have talked about the pros of bringing someone in, I will talk about the cons. The primary ‘con’ I hear about is fear of theft. I understand that bringing an unknown person into your home can bring this risk with it. I also want to say this is talked about much more often than it happens. Many of us have heard stories of the family that was robbed by someone hired to work in the home. I know I have. But I have heard just as many stories, may be more of contractors who robbed from individuals while working in the home, or coming back later to rob them after the job is done. This doesn’t mean that I can’t hire a plumber or call the cable company to fix the cable. This means I pay attention who comes into the home and pay attention to what they are doing and where they are doing it. Every relationship we have opens us up to the possibility of being hurt. We still should establish relationships with people. We just have to trust our instincts. If you have a ‘bad feeling’ about someone, or they are going to parts of the home they have no reason to be in, those are ‘red flags’ we should pay attention to.

Ask for references, and then check those references. When this individual you have hired, first starts, don’t leave them alone, unsupervised until you are comfortable with them and what they are doing.

When my children were young, the first time I had a babysitter work for me, I stayed at home, but I did something else while they were there with my children. I worked in the garden, cleaned, or hid in my bedroom with a good book. This gave the individual I hired, my children and me an opportunity to become comfortable and address any concerns that arose. It also gave me a piece of mind the next time I hired them and left the house to go out. There were some I never had come back.

You have the same opportunity to try this technique to become more comfortable with having ‘strangers’ come into your home.

Your question “Where can I get help?” is a big one. Last week we talked about resources for more information. This week we talked about help in the home, next week I will cover some ideas for outside the home.

To contact Janell Sluga, GCMC with questions or concerns, please call 720-9797 or e-mail her at janells@lutheran-jamestown.org.