When I was in college working on a bachelor’s degree in social work, the class was required to read a book that was particularly disturbing as it contained horrific accounts of abuse suffered by the author during his childhood. It has been many years since I read that book, but the feelings of horror and disbelief over the inhumane treatment of a child have remained in my memory. More recently, I came across another book in the clearance section of local bookstore. Being in the mental health field, the title “Forgive for Good,” caught my eye. Upon further examination, I noticed an endorsement of the book on the back cover. It was written by the same author who had survived the appalling abuse as a child.

If you are a member of the human race, it is highly likely that you have been offended at some point in your life– probably many, many times. Hopefully, you have not experienced extreme suffering at the hands of others, but the longer we live, the more chances there are to be hurt and angered by something someone said or did, or what someone didn’t say or didn’t do. An offense happens when we perceive that our expectations of a person or a situation are disappointed to one degree or another. Our reactions to an offense can result in feelings that range from mild hurt to raging hatred and everything in between.

Scientific studies have revealed that when anger is triggered, the sympathetic nervous system is activated. This is the same “fight or flight” reaction we experience when we feel faced with potential danger. The reaction is meant to preserve our life. But, when this response is prolonged or becomes a chronic occurrence as when we are harboring anger, it can actually become harmful to our health and well being. In other words, release of these stress hormones in the brain are triggered every time we think about the offender or the offensive event. This ongoing negative stress increases the risk of cardio-vascular disease, it suppresses immune system functioning, and it has a negative impact on thought processes like concentration. Conversely, participants in these studies who were able to practice forgiveness experienced significant reduction in their feelings of hurt and anger and in their physical symptoms such as aches and pain associated with stress. These findings were reported by Dr. Fred Luskin, director and cofounder of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project. He also reports that people who learn to forgive experienced more peace and optimism and were better able to cope with future offenses. The participants in the studies ranged from those “holding a grudge” to those who had suffered the murder of their child.

For the sake of clarification, this type of forgiveness does not mean that you condone the offense or make excuses for it or the offender. It does not mean that you deny or discount the impact it had on you or that you will forget what happened. By forgiving you are not making your feelings of hurt and anger invalid. Instead, forgiveness is a choice YOU make for your own well being and not necessarily for the sake of the offender. Choosing to forgive enables you to move forward with life without the baggage from the past weighing you down. You obviously can’t control what someone said or did that upset you, but you have total control over how much power you allow the offense to have over your life. Will you see yourself as a victim or a survivor? Or, maybe you need to forgive yourself for something you did or neglected to do. Feelings of guilt and regret can have on-going negative impacts on you and your other relationships.

Forgiveness is possible, even for the most grievous offenses. Many religious faiths and philosophies advocate the virtue of forgiveness and utilizing one’s spirituality and faith-based resources can help in the process of forgiving. Other things that may be helpful are sharing your story with two or three people you trust. This helps you identify the offense and the related feelings, affirms that there are others who care, and can also help you gain insight that you didn’t have before. Recalling your own need for forgiveness when you have been the offender can help you on the road to forgiving others. Also, adverse situations usually have built in opportunities for personal growth. Has the offense indirectly imparted something of value (are you stronger, wiser, more in tune with yourself and others, etc)? Has the offense made you more sympathetic and sensitive to others who have had similar experiences? Has your experience made you better equipped to help them? These are just a few ideas to contemplate. There are more online and printed resources available on the topic of forgiveness. Mental health professionals can also be helpful.

Offenses are universal — people are not perfect. We are all human beings and even on our best days, we can act selfishly, be insensitive, and intentionally or unintentionally say and do hurtful things. We have a choice to forgive or not to forgive. Based on the research and my own life experiences, I encourage you to do yourself a favor and forgive.

Patrice Bohn LCSW-R is a mental health therapist at Family Service of the Chautauqua Region. If you have suffered in the past and need help to forgive, reach out to us here and we have highly trained staff who can assist you. Our office can be reached at 488-1971.