I have finally overcome my fear of wearing elastic waistbanded garb. This was no small feat. I caution all parents against sending your precious children out into the wild world of mean school-kids if they are wearing elastic waistbands. Especially if that child is in fifth grade and wearing her “genie” pants.

I remember it like it was yesterday. My school had merged with another, creating terror in my soul. I was entering the fifth grade, which now meant I’d be in the same building as 12th graders.

Enter New Boy. I had yet to see New Boy, but that first week New Boy’s cousin came up to me to inform me that New Boy wanted to be my boyfriend. This was the dumbest thing my fifth-grade ears had ever heard. I immediately said “NO!” because A) I was not allowed to date, and B) I didn’t even know who this person was. I also thought “if you are going to go out with me you need to have the guts to ask me out yourself.” New Boy’s cousin informed me that he would tell New Boy that I said “maybe.”

By the next day, word had spread that New Boy had asked me out. All the girls from the merged school who already knew New Boy were in awe and kept telling me I was the luckiest girl; that of course I should go out with him. I thought they were ridiculous. I’d never even said hi to the kid.

Over the course of the next several days, cousin of New Boy relentlessly asked me out on New Boy’s behalf. Upon hearing “no” every time, he turned around and told New Boy, who stayed hidden behind a tree, that I said “maybe.”

It turned out his tactics worked like magic. I got so tired and annoyed with the cousin bothering me that I finally said “Fine!” and let it be. I should have done this the first time because it would have been much less of a hassle. Our dating took off, our love grew, we … stood close-ish to each other after school on the front lawn and looked at everyone and anything but each other being certain not to speak to one another.

Which brings us to the day of the “genie” pants. I was happily rocking out my elastic waistbanded teal pants. After school I met with my stud of a boyfriend outside where the buses were loading, along with my best friend and New Boy’s cousin. We were all standing around when it happened. Some unkind girl who I didn’t even know came up behind me and pulled down my pants!

This would have been mortifying all on it’s own but oh … it gets worse. I had chosen this day to wear a special kind of underwear. Underwear that probably belongs on a first or second-grader more than a fifth grader, but hey, I knew what I liked. So there I stood, in front of not only my boyfriend but also the entire school of kids grades five to 12 … seniors in high school, people! … with … nothing less than … blue Beauty and the Beast underwear.

Somehow New Boy’s love for me was stronger than his embarrassment over my sad excuse for underwear and he chose to stay by my side. What I really wanted was the tenacity to keep my pants down, walk up to the girl who had pantsed me and say, “You had the guts to pull them down, now pull them back up,” but instead I went to the bus and hid my face.

Weeks later my parents enrolled my brothers and me in a different school. The two events are not related. All I know is New Boy and I never officially broke up, so, to my boyfriend from Bolivar: I know we’ve been together over 21 years now, but I think we should end this. I’ve cheated on you, I’m sure you’ve cheated on me. It’s just not healthy.

I’m sorry to do this publicly, but I don’t know your phone number so it’s the best I could do. I hope you have a wonderful life and I’ll miss you about as much as I’ve never missed you lately. I’m so sorry, New Guy.