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The Whitless Wonder Sues Hollywood

July 17, 2009 - John Whittaker
"God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money." 
                                            --Yogurt, Spaceballs

Mel Brooks had it right -- Hollywood is greedy. 
It's ruined Scooby Doo. It's on the way to ruining Transformers. Now, it looks like G.I. Joe is to say Thank You Sir, May I Have Another.
As technology gets better, stupid Hollywood morons can't help themselves from taking some of my favorite childhood memories and squeezing every last little drop of money into their grubby little hands before ruining what used to be something fun with a second-rate piece of schmit movie.
Take Scooby Doo, for example.
Did anyone really need to see a live action movie with a CGI Scooby? Did we really want to see Sarah Michelle Gellar as Daphne or Freddie Prinze as Fred? We had to have a crappy fake dog treat to call a Scooby Snack? Thelma had to be somewhat hot? The guy who played Shaggy, Matthew Lillard, has made exactly one good movie since Scooby Doo came out (The Groomsmen, in 2002). Now, whenever I think of Scooby Doo, I don't think of sitting on the floor in front of the TV when I was 5 watching my favorite cartoon -- that memory is gone. I think of the crappy live-action Scooby Doo and the abominable sequel that followed.
Transformers has gotten the live-action update, too -- and the little $1.50 Dollar Store Optimus Prime on my desk is giving Hollywood the finger right now. Let me see - let's take what worked really well in animation and make it live-action with computer-generated robots. Let's bastardize the robots so much you can't recognize what the heck they are and take any part of the human element out of the character.
Will anyone give a crap when movie Optimus

The Case Against Hollywood

Exhibit A: The Movies

1. The Karate Kid: The Karate Kid was dead when they made Karate Kid 3: Keeping Ralph Macchio's Career Kicking, but Hollywood couldn't let an already dead franchise die. No, we had to make a Karate Kid starring Hillary Swank. Is it any wonder Pat Moryita is dead? Making that movie ripped his heart out.
2. Revenge of the Nerds:  Revenge of the Nerds was a great premise and had a hillarious cast -- Ted McGinley as Stan Gable, Anthony (Goose) Edwards as the head nerd and the eternal gift known as Curtis Armstrong (Booger). But, 83 sequels, including the horrible straight to TV Nerds in Love, have made the original Revenge of the Nerds, with all of its little problems, unwatchable now. Thanks, Hollywood, for taking one of my top 10 favorite movies as a kid and turning it into a Yanni album. Pricks.
3. Caddyshack: Caddyshack is one of the best movies ever. Seriously, have you looked at the cast? Bill Murray (in a bit part, mind you), Chevy Chase, Ted Knight and Rodney Dangerfield are comedy gold. Even the gopher was hillarious. Have you ever had the "Oh crap, that's Caddyshack 2" moment? Let me walk you through it, if you haven't. You're flipping through the channels and come across a golf movie. It's obviously a comedy, it's not Tin Cup, and you get your hopes up that Caddyshack is on. Then, you see Jackie Mason and Robert Stack on the same screen and feel the need to hang yourself. That's the Caddyshack 2 moment.
Why Hollywood Must Be Stopped: A third Ghostbusters movie has been greenlighted, and Ben Stiller is rumored to be involved. Jack Black is trying to finangle a part. Could this end any way but badly?
And, Beverly Hills Cop IV has been approved, too. Did anyone see Beverly Hills Cop III? It was terrible. It was beyond suck. And, what movie could top real-life Beverly Hills, at this point? Is Eddie Murphy going to take a break from Dr. Doolittle 3: Why Dogs Poop On Sidewalks to film this crap?

Exhibit B: The Cartoons.

1. Transformers: Did you see what they did to Bumblebee? In the world of Autobots and Decepticons, Bumblebee is an Autobot spy that transformed, in the original cartoon, into a yellow VW bug. Bumblebee sucked. A lot. When you played Transformers with your friends, Bumblebee was always the first one killed off, like the token hot chick in a horror movie.
So, when I saw that Michael Bay had made Bumblebee an old Camaro, and then that he gets awesome at the end of the movie, I was shocked. Bumblebee has to be a Volkswagen. It's a rule, we can't change it.
2. Alvin and the Chipmunks: I've got two words for you -- Get Munked. That's right - a great cartoon got saddled with one of those great Hollywood advertising campaigns. For sticking Jason Lee in a crappy cartoon remake and making the three fakest looking singing chipmunks I've ever seen, I've got two more words for Hollywood - Munk You.
3. Pick a Hulk movie, any Hulk movie: Hulk works as a comic book. Hulk works as a cartoon. Hulk does not work as a live action movie, either with a live Hulk or a CGI Hulk. It just doesn't work. Hulk cry now.
Why Hollywood Must Be Stopped: A Josie and the Pussycats movie (let sleeping cats lie, please), the immortal Inspector Gadget movie (I just threw up in my mouth again), Scooby Doo (another one ruined for me), Underdog (good grief, how did Jason Lee get roped into that one, too?!?), Speed Racer (the cartoon sucked, the movie had nowhere to go but lateral), Rocky and Bullwinkle (how in the name of all that doesn't suck do you make that cartoon into a live-action movie? Seriously. Tell me how. Who got stoned on the company dime?) and now, a CGI Thundercats movie (say it ain't so, Lion-O. You've been spayed and neutered.).


Prime gets killed off? No - because you can't identify with what movie Optimus Prime is. A lot of guys my age, though, remember where they were when Optimus Prime got killed off in the animated movie in 1986, though -- I know, we're dorks, but still, it made its mark because you identified with what the character stood for. Hollywood should have done us all a favor and tried this out on the Go-Bots before they screwed up the Transformers.
That brings me to last night, when the News Wife and I were watching TV. In the middle of Two and a Half Men, lo and behold, there is a trailer for the new G.I. Joe movie. I can't find the words to describe how p---ed off I am right now. If you want to make money off of G.I. Joe, if you want to sell more toys, just re-release the animated movie.
Michael Bay might as well just come over and use my nuts as a speed bag.
Can script writers not come up with original ideas anymore? Was Gone With The Wind a bloody cartoon in the 1920s? How about the Wizard of Oz, or One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, or It's A Wonderful Life, or Road House, or Top Gun, or The Graduate, Blazing Saddles, or Swingers or Clerks?
Underdog was a not-so-great cartoon that was made into an even worse movie.  Rocky and Bullwinkle was sacrificed on the altar of making some Hollywood studio more money. Did anyone see the train wreck otherwise known as the Mr. Gadget movie? Could you imagine what would happen if Hollywood made a Voltron movie (don't laugh, it's in development as we speak) ….. Sorry about the pause there, I threw up in my mouth a lot.
Could you imagine a live-action Simpsons movie? Thank God when they made that movie they: A) Did an animated movie; and B) Had the actual Simpsons writers and voice actors do the movie. I feel better for a generation of kids who grew up with the Simpsons every week, that they didn't have to watch Artie Lange struggle his way through two hours of "Doh's" or have the child actor du-jour go through two hours of "Eat my shorts, man." Your show is safe, guys.
Mine, on the other hand, are getting pummeled worse than General Motors stock, which means someone has to do something -- and that someone is me.
I'm pressing charges against Hollywood.
My first lawyer advised my against it, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm sick and tired of Hollywood ruining some of my favorite childhood memories with crappy remakes, sequels and live-action movies.
The Transformers are ruined for me now. Hollywood killed the Karate Kid. The things Hollywood did to Revenge of the Nerds can't be adequately described without profanity, and this is a family blog. Did we really need another Caddyshack, Weekend at Bernie's or Ghostbusters? For every Fantastic Four or Spiderman movie that comes out that isn't half bad, there is a Rocky and Bullwinkle or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 and 3. Heck, there's even a Batman Forever or Batman Returns -- big budget blockbusters with no plot, lots of explosions and a parade of ticked off Batman fans lying in its wake.
We're going to court, Hollywood and I, over the continued massacre of great movies and, now, cartoons.
It's on like Donkey Kong.
Jackie Childs has signed on to be my lawyer, and I'm giving you, the fans of the Whitless Wonder, an inside look at my case, exhibit by exhibit (see sidebar).
All I ask, if I win my case, is Michael Bay's head on a platter -- it's the least somebody can do for ruining my favorite cartoon.
I ask for no money.
Your gratitude - and the end to crappy remakes and sequels- is payment enough.


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Blog Photos

Optimus Prime as he always should be - in two dimensions. If you're curious to see what he looks like in Michael Bay's movies, click on the next image....