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Time To Taste The Cake, I Hope

September 16, 2008 - John Whittaker

Fat Guy Trophy Update

Player                       Week 2    Season
Whitless Wonder    26-8           59-12
Finn                           28-6           59-12
Teddy                       26-8            54-17
Sir Cumference     24-10          52-19
Simon Teska         20-14          46-25 

Well, that was shortlived.

For a week, the Whitless Wonder was leading the Fat Guy Trophy standings. There's now a tie atop the standings. Finn, pushed by a 28-6 week, tied the Whitless Wonder, who went 26-8, atop the standings at 59-12. Teddy has taken over third place at 54-17, Sir Cumference is in fourth at 52-19 and Simon Teska is in fifth at 46-25. Maybe he's got a girlfriend who can start picking for him.

As for Week 2, here are the things I absolutely drilled in my Sunday NFL picks blog:

1. JaMarcus Russell is terrible. How long until Darren McFadden starts running the Arkansas offense with the Raiders? It can't be worse than what Russell's doing right now? How many games can you win, against teams not named the Kansas City Chiefs, goes 6-17 for 55 yards? And Daunte Culpepper wasn't an option for the Raiders? And, Russell, the scrambler, runs once for three yards. Yikes. Is Steve DeBerg available? Al Davis might want to look into it.

2. The Pats. I'll say it. I told you so. I told all of you. Just remember, Mr. Belichick, that when you're in the locker room saying nobody believed in you, that the Whitless Wonder believed in you. Matt Cassel made no serious mistakes, the offense made plays, LaMont Jordan made his case to be the starting running back, and the defense kept Thomas Jones and Brett Favre in check. Loved Adalius Thomas sacking Favre and Leon Washington on the same play, by the way.

3. Donovan McNabb. Yeah, Philadelphia lost the game. But, I got the Syracuse Corollary right - and I would have had the Titans/Bengals game right (Keith Bulluck is a proud Orange) if I had used the corollary. McNabb looked downright spry in the pocket Monday night against Dallas and threw the ball well, too. His only shortcoming? Receivers. He'll go as far as they can with guys who can't get open against press coverage -- say first round of the playoffs.

Unfortunately, I didn't get it all right in my blog. Here are some of the things I messed up.

1. The Colts. Yeah, they pulled out the win, but not for the reasons I thought they would. Fast receivers on the turf, you ask? Here's what I forgot - there are no more fast tracks in the NFL anymore. Everything is field turf, which takes away that speed advantage. Thank God Tavares Jackson is Tavares Jackson, or I would have lost that game.

2. Jake Delhomme - so his "I'm Jake Delhomme' game came in the first half of Week 2. After seeing his first half numbers come across the ticker on Sunday afternoon, I can't believe the Panthers beat Chicago. So, Lovie, my friend, maybe Rex Grossman isn't the problem after all? How does a team not named Oakladn go into the season without at least one passable quarterback? 

3. The Bills. Okay, Bills fans, you got me. This team might be something after all this year. And, Trent Edwards threw the ball like he's got a pair. I didn't think they would get past Jacksonville, but they put together one of their better all-around games in a while. Savor the flavor, Buffalo, because it tastes like Buffalo wings. Tasty.

4. Vince Young's Momma. Sorry, Mother Young, I'll never doubt you or your wonderfully gifted son ever again. What did she feed the Bengals? Did you give them some of Vince's, um, medication? How bad are the Bungals? They weren't even good for that long and now they're on the downside. Maybe Marvin Lewis is more of the problem than anyone thought.


Tonight, the Whitless Wonder gets to look at cake.

Unfortunately, the Whitless Wonder wants to eat cake - but looking is almost as good as eating it, isn't it?

The News Gal and the Whitless Wonder are hoping tonight brings an end to our wedding cake adventure - not that it's been much of an adventure. It's just hard to find someone to do a cake that isn't a regular wedding cake -- and the News Gal's dream cake is anything but a regular cake.

I won't ruin the surprise, but let me just tell you that if it tastes as good as it looks in pictures, just look for the Whitless Wonder near the cake table during his wedding reception. I might have to have a special little cake all for me. I don't want to share, I just want to eat cake. I'd have made a great French guy -- just let me eat cake, and I'll be happy. No revolution for this guy. I'm a bit of a fan (though, ironically, I didn't like the grunge band, Cake. Go figure).

Anyway, we're meeting with a likely candidate to make this incredible looking cake tonight. It'd be nice to get another piece of the wedding puzzle out of the way. Let's hope it goes well! And, if you hear something over the police scanner about a chubby guy plowing his way through the cake selection at Elegant Edibles, well, you heard it here first.

In other business:

1. The Yankees didn't look completely useless over the weekend. Nice to see Derek Jeter tie Lou Gehrig for most Yankee Stadium hits, and The Captain got his batting average over .300 for the season. I like to see him finish strong. The News Gal and I were having a running debate over who's fatter - Alfredo Aceves or Sidney Ponson? She says Aceves is at least as fat as Ponson, while I say Ponson is definitely chubbier. According to, Ponson is 6-1 and weighs 258 (after a healthy poop and a starvation diet). Aceves checks in at a comparatively svelte 6-3 and 220 pounds. Whitless Wonder wins! Down goes the News Gal! Down goes the News Gal!

2. More on this later, but it's amazing how well Wayne's World holds up over time.

3. I tried to watch Chris Rock's movie, I Think I Love My Wife, during my day off Monday. I like Chris Rock - the guy is seriously funny. Some of his movies, though, aren't my kind of movies. Get to it already. His life's boring. He and his wife don't do … um …. husband and wife things anymore. You know what I mean. But, after 40 minutes, he was still complaining about how boring married life is. The one-liners were funny 20 years ago when I heard Buddy Hackett and Rodney Dangerfield make the same jokes. It takes a really crappy director to make Chris Rock an unfunny bastage, but whoever made that hunk of crap definitely made Chris Rock unfunny, and unoriginal, and boring.

4. Let me give you one reason why setting fires in vacant houses is dumb and dangerous. A potential Good Samaritan and his buddy were watching TV on Saturday night when they saw something suspicious on the street behind them. Without thinking about why it's crazy for someone with no protective gear to rush into a burning house, one of these guys kicked down the door to see if there was anyone inside. The potential Samaritan had to be treated for smoke inhalation at the scene after people pulled him out of the house. I applaud Jason Skinner for thinking about the potential well-being of someone else before he thought of himself, and think it's only a matter of time before two things happen: A. Someone innocent is seriously hurt in one of these things -- firefighter or otherwise. B. The Jamestown Police catch those responsible. I hope they aren't lenient.

I still don't see the infatuation people have with setting fires, by the way.


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