×

Why The French Fear The Twinkie

Dear France,

I heard that you are really concerned about the new trade agreement being discussed between Europe and the United States – the one that will make it easier to buy and sell goods between our two countries. (The one that will have you seeing Twinkies on your store shelves one day.)

While a lot of people in Europe have been protesting against it, hardly anyone over here is saying a word. (I’m sorry about that. We’ve been kind of busy with the Brian Williams debacle and trying to save our Internet from government interference.)

But I feel your pain. You’re worried that the new agreement will allow American “Frankenstein food” to line your shelves, and well, you’re France. You’re the land of wine and cheese.

One French organic farmer, I read, actually shuddered when he considered the repercussions of the deal. An invasion of Europe by American food he said, would be his worst culinary nightmare.

“Hormone-boosted beef. Chlorine-washed chicken. Genetically altered vegetables. This is what they want for us,” said the farmer to a reporter from the Washington Post. “In France, food is about pleasure, about taste. But in the United States, they put anything in their mouths. No, this must be stopped.”

Well, that hurt a little, but I get your point.

I know that a lot of the food produced in America is banned in Europe because you don’t want hormone-treated, chemically sanitized or genetically modified food on your shelves.

You’re terrified that the sweet little cafe around the corner from the Louvre will be selling flash-frozen meals – like lamb shanks with rosemary – from a little plastic pouch that is heated in a microwave and served at the table as if it was just labored over for hours in the kitchen.

You definitely have a point there. And I want you to know that if I had a choice, I’d rather have lunch in France any day of the week. I worry about some of the food practices in my country, too, but you’ll be happy to know that many of us here in America exist outside of Lucky Charms and Girl Scout cookies.

We have beautiful apples growing on trees here, and field after field of blueberries and strawberries. We eat kale salads and vegetable soup, brussel sprouts and broccoli.

It might surprise you to know that America ranks third in the world for growing vegetables, producing 40 million tons a year, and we’re the top exporters of food in almost every category. And we’re No. 4 in fruit production, beating you by six places on the list.

What could be more American than apple pie?

Yes, I know we’re the people who gave you hamburgers, fast food restaurants, and high fructose corn syrup, but we also gave you ice cream, pizza, pumpkin pie, and behold – chocolate! The Indians from Central America are credited with gathering and consuming cacao beans, and Americans are credited with the first chocolate bar. You can thank us for that, as it is the most beloved treat in the world.

You can thank us too, for the avocado, the papaya and the peanut. And the gorgeous blueberry – that’s from here too.

And then there is the event that went down in history: the mythic Paris wine tasting of 1976, a blind tasting where a panel of esteemed French judges chose upstate California wines over France’s best.

You might remember this, France, because it forever changed the way the world looked at wine: The judges were are all French – the most bias and chauvinistic imaginable – and in both red and white tastings, an American wine won easily and was chosen by blindfolded Frenchmen.

Not bad for a country just learning the ropes of winemaking.

In 2014, two American restaurants made the top 10 list of the best restaurants in the world, and sadly, you weren’t on it.

And while we might be new to the culinary world, you have to remember for a long time we were busy establishing the first public schools in the world, championing the rights of blacks, women and children, inventing things like the telephone and oh, yes, putting the first man on the moon.

Rather than fussing over a white bechamel sauce, people like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs were busy inventing the computer and new operating systems so the world could be become a more informed and connected place. And thank god for Henry Ford, Samuel Morse, Alexander Graham Bell, Dr. Jonas Salk and the Wright Brothers, who have all contributed to the way you live in the world today.

My daughter ran into a French woman who had just moved to Florida, and the French woman admitted her first year in the states, she didn’t know what to eat. It was a travesty to her.

With all the plethora of choice in American cities, the woman couldn’t find a carrot? An organic chicken? Imported cheese from France, Thai food, freshly made sushi rolls, Cuban food, Cajun, and barbecue?

Given that anti-Americanism has its roots in France, I think it’s high time that the French lighten up. To quote Shakespeare, “There is more to heaven and earth Horatio, than the baguette.”

Newsletter

Today's breaking news and more in your inbox

I'm interested in (please check all that apply)
Are you a paying subscriber to the newspaper? *
   

Starting at $4.62/week.

Subscribe Today