Because I Pay Your Salary

Teach my child and make sure he/she gets good grades, but don’t make them do homework, or stay after school, and let them talk or goof around anytime they want, and lay off of that morals stuff because if I wanted them to know about morals and values, I’d tell them about that myself. After all, that’s supposed to be my job. Let them be disruptive if they want to be, and let them talk back whenever they want, and if they curse at you, so what? Make sure you feed them twice a day, and don’t dare take any privileges away from them, because they have a right to those privileges. Never raise your voice to, or reprimand, my child for anything, and make sure you reward them for doing what they are supposed to be doing, even if it is nothing special, just following the expectations. And no, don’t tell me to walk a mile, a block, or even an inch in your shoes, just make sure you do everything the way I want it done, because I pay your salary!

Protect me from other criminals but don’t stop me from being one myself. Let me threaten you or anyone else, and don’t even think about protecting yourself or them, even if I am using force or have a weapon. And don’t think about trying to keep order if someone who agrees with me is protesting violently or committing criminal acts while we all hide behind the “shield” (lame excuse?) of emotions running high. Stop taking coffee breaks, and God forbid that you ever eat a doughnut (which I know is a stereotypical remark, but I can make those if I want because certain leaders have told me I could). And forget about even thinking that I would do your job by becoming a cop myself, and if I need you and call you, you better be there within a minute or even sooner, and handle my problem to my satisfaction, because that is your job and I pay your salary!

You are the President of the United States (or any other politician on any level). You will do things the way I want them done or I have the right to bash you and any of your family members in public or in any, and even every, social media forum I wish to use. You are not entitled to take time off, you may never make a mistake and you don’t have any opinion except the one I tell you to have. And don’t even think of asking me to get into politics and be part of the solutions to what I think are the problems. It’s not my job or responsibility to get involved in the process … it is your job because you volunteered for this. Just get the job done the way I want it to be done and without regulating anything I may want for myself. You have no rights in your job; I have them all. Now get to work and do as I tell you, because I pay your salary!

You stink as an (insert the name of a sport at any level) official! How dare you make a call that went against the player or team for which I root? That’s terrible, that’s brutal! Any call made must be one that benefits my kid’s team or my favorite team. And don’t even think of telling me to join the officials and be one of you. It’s your job to do what I tell you, or want you, to do. Period. And also, don’t think about having fun while you are doing the job either. I will take care of that, if you do. Forget about giving your partners a pat on the back, or a high five, or a fist bump, and telling them “good job” or “good call” on the field. How dare you support each other when most of us don’t even support you? Just do the job, my ticket price, or school tax, or my kid’s entry or participation fee pays you to do. In other words, do your job the way I tell you to do it, because I pay your salary!

You are the worst coach I have ever seen! How dare you play someone else’s kid at that position ahead of my kid? And why are you making my kid block instead of carrying the ball? And why do you even think of asking my kid to bunt when he/she is, by far, the best hitter on the team? My kid is a shooter, not a passer or defender. Give him/her the ball and run an offense around him/her. And don’t even think of asking me to help you coach. I don’t want anyone saying all the stuff to me that I am telling you right now. And get off my kid’s back if he/she chooses to go to a party, or to his/her friend’s house, instead of practice. And if my kid goes to a party where there are drugs and/or alcohol, and the rule is that if they are there under those circumstances they can be suspended, just remember that rule is for everyone else’s kid but mine. Just make sure my kid is in the starting lineup on game day, and always remember that when the team wins, the players made it happen, but when the team loses, it is always the coach’s fault. And don’t forget, that if you are volunteering to coach my kid, then you are being paid exactly what you are worth, and if you are getting paid to do this, my ticket cost, or my tax dollars, or my kid’s entry or participation fee goes toward your payment, so in effect you have to listen to me, because I pay your salary!

I don’t like the way you plow my street, or pick up my trash, and why should I have to pay taxes for a fire department when I have never had a fire at my house. We should only have to pay if we ever have to use those services, and even then, they better do things the right way because I am paying for it, so they work for me.

Do everything I say, the way I say it. Do not question the job, the duties, or the pay. Do not expect perks, benefits, or even gratitude from anyone. What you do is your job and I get to say how, when, and where you do it, because I pay your salary!

Everywhere? No. Always? No, again, but definitely extremely sad, and too often, true!